Vol. 1 - Angst

[ Disclaimer: This piece is really poorly produced. Its main purpose is to help me reflect on what happened a couple months down the line. The format I am attempting is a music journal.
The genres featured are Rock and Pop]
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I accidentally got high school feels while I was doing a 2nd round interview/test.

Follow this emotional journey of avoidance, self-doubt and not giving a damn.



A visualization of my angst during the 2nd round interview; also a trajectory of this playlist

A visualization of my angst during the 2nd round interview; also a trajectory of this playlist

"I always feel like an imposter"

- Me, for no damn reason


I took a 2nd Round Interview/test on Thursday. I walked into Cafe Document at 9 a.m. so I could hunker down for a day.

I felt so ready while I was walking there

but when it came down to it

I froze up and wanted to avoid doing the test.

 

I mean,

the test wasn’t due until next Tuesday


Step 1: Avoidance

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Do you know what's hard?

Charting underrepresentation, and critiquing work by professionals at a publication you want to work for.

Do you know what's easy?

Complaining about how you're "working" all the time, and screaming into the void.

I just want to run away.


Step 2: Self-Doubt

How I really feel

How I really feel

Anyway, I couldn’t avoid this test forever. So I opened the document and got on the 3 scenarios I’d be working on. 

I went in to a tail spin.

Do I need to review my notes from J-School? Who am I to be critiquing this work? Am I even qualified to report on these heavy topics? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Self-doubt began to set in, and so did imposter syndrome, for added flavor.

The key line here is: I want to get better. I don't think I'm inferior to people, or that I'm horrible at what I do. I just recognize there are parts I can improve. When I get locked in a negative mood, I have the tendency to amplify those qualities. Instead, I should just focus on "I want to get better."

I think I usually get self-doubt because I think to much. My remedy is to listen to songs that are so loud that I can’t hear myself think.


Step 3: D.G.A.F.

Both would be pretty full tbh.

Both would be pretty full tbh.

After 40 minutes of wallowing, poring over data, and struggling with software, I started to get annoyed

Why was I so worried about this? If they don’t hire me, I don’t have to interact with them at all. Why do I care so much about these people ALREADY? Why am I apologizing to people I don't know?

It took me a while to realize my doubts were irrational.

I chose the following songs because they're by artists who just don't give a f*ck. If I lived with that attitude I would get so much more done.

The biggest obstacles are usually the ones I make for myself. That's probably true for you as well.


Special Thanks: Karen Gwee

My good friend Karen Gwee put me on to "Work" by Jimmy Eat World. She's so damn good at what she does. Read some of her articles here:

 

 

Samuel Park