Vol. 1 - Angst
[ Disclaimer: This piece is really poorly produced. Its main purpose is to help me reflect on what happened a couple months down the line. The format I am attempting is a music journal.
The genres featured are Rock and Pop]
I accidentally got high school feels while I was doing a 2nd round interview/test.
Follow this emotional journey of avoidance, self-doubt and not giving a damn.
"I always feel like an imposter"
- Me, for no damn reason
I took a 2nd Round Interview/test on Thursday. I walked into Cafe Document at 9 a.m. so I could hunker down for a day.
I felt so ready while I was walking there
but when it came down to it
I froze up and wanted to avoid doing the test.
the test wasn’t due until next Tuesday
Step 1: Avoidance
Do you know what's hard?
Charting underrepresentation, and critiquing work by professionals at a publication you want to work for.
Do you know what's easy?
Complaining about how you're "working" all the time, and screaming into the void.
I just want to run away.
Step 2: Self-Doubt
Anyway, I couldn’t avoid this test forever. So I opened the document and got on the 3 scenarios I’d be working on.
I went in to a tail spin.
Do I need to review my notes from J-School? Who am I to be critiquing this work? Am I even qualified to report on these heavy topics? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Self-doubt began to set in, and so did imposter syndrome, for added flavor.
The key line here is: I want to get better. I don't think I'm inferior to people, or that I'm horrible at what I do. I just recognize there are parts I can improve. When I get locked in a negative mood, I have the tendency to amplify those qualities. Instead, I should just focus on "I want to get better."
I think I usually get self-doubt because I think to much. My remedy is to listen to songs that are so loud that I can’t hear myself think.
Step 3: D.G.A.F.
After 40 minutes of wallowing, poring over data, and struggling with software, I started to get annoyed
Why was I so worried about this? If they don’t hire me, I don’t have to interact with them at all. Why do I care so much about these people ALREADY? Why am I apologizing to people I don't know?
It took me a while to realize my doubts were irrational.
I chose the following songs because they're by artists who just don't give a f*ck. If I lived with that attitude I would get so much more done.
The biggest obstacles are usually the ones I make for myself. That's probably true for you as well.